It's Christmas Night And We're In Fucking Queens (A Very LFTB Christmas)

by Fake Canadian

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about

Winner of the Live From The Barrage Christmas Song Contest 2k13.

Some people write Breaking Bad fanfiction. Some people draw erotic art of Game of Thrones. I wrote a Christmas song about five dickweeds from Queens, NY.

Live From The Barrage is the greatest radio show/podcast ever and if you disagree we're not friends anymore and I will fight you. Live every Friday night at 8pm Eastern/5pm Pacific at livestream.com/livefromthebarrage, past episodes on iTunes or at livefromthebarrage.com.

lyrics

There was balmy weather in Merced, CA
The radiator had me on hold
Wishing I had more than just a layered Slayer
To help ward off the cold
The houses all around had very pretty lights
You could see the cheer for miles
But the only thing here that comes close is the chill
That you can feel from the kitchen tiles
But to my surprise, a most wonderful noise
A tell-tale clop clop clop
I came outside to see Santa's sleigh on the roof
And he had an Australian in hock
I could smell Santa’s breath, he was half-in-the-bag
As his voice rumbled to me
"Get on in, you fuck, you're already late
For the Holiday express to Queens"

And we raced across the states
So we could beat the clock
Midwest, Fucking Europe,
No, we don't give a fuck

We arrived at the Barrage and guess who we found
Waiting by the front door for me
The dream came true, coz it was Hair Du
With a platter of ham and cheese
But he couldn’t stay long, and pretty soon he was gone
He flew away like a hawk
He was off to get arrested so he could open for Van Halen
After breaking off that prison lock
I could hear bells going off inside
So I came in to investigate
It was Ryan holding in his hand his Big Boy Book
And he invited us to play the Ryan Game
I thought I would do well but my mind drew a blank
At fast food restaurants with proper names
While Dovey schooled me and everyone else
With the help of Africa’s rain

We yelled at Ed Koch
Flipped off a pic of Paul Vallone
Ate from a bag of baked Lays
That smelled like Varvatos cologne

He was huddled in the corner, holding a bottle
Of Bulleit bourbon in his hands
It’s Dave, on the floor and he’s drunk as a lord
So charming he could barely stand
He handed me a disc, said that it was my gift
It was the Gin Blossoms’ greatest hits
But when I popped it in the player, oh a despicable crime
It was just “Hey Jealousy” 25 times
The clock rang sure at a quarter-to-ten
Everyone within earshot groaned
When the door kicked open, and what do you know
It’s Mario’s turn to steal the show
It’s that magical time that comes once a year
It will fill your heart and mine with that special cheer
So from O-R-I-A-M, a greeting you ain’t ever seen,
Say it with me now, boys: Happy Halloween!

I mean, Christmas! Shit!
Chain yourselves to Hostess display cases everywhere!

We were Hats Off to Larry
A dream come true for this fan
But hey Santa, what the fuck?
Where’s John Houlihans?

“I was here this whole time, you blind piece of shit"
Said the Santa who smelled like drink
His white beard gave way to black underneath
And it was Houlihan of Houlihan Inc.
Thank you so much for coming, now sit on my lap
For what gifts can you no longer bear the wait
Do you want something other than Krokus tapes this year
And Dave Harrison commemorative plates?
I want a nice big van that my band can tour in
I want my high school bullies to be kicked in the shins
I want a pennant season for the Chicago Cubs
I want you to stop clowning on Lil' Bub
Well, I can’t do all of that for you
‘Coz the world’s a fucking awful place
But what I can give you is Live From The Barrage
Every Friday night on the podcast tape!

I sat down at the bar
Took hold of a mic
But before I knew what happened
I faded into the night…

I woke up in my cold lonely bed
Could that have been just a dream
That I would get to go to the greatest place on Earth
And hang out there for Christmas Eve
But I turned to my side, and whaddya know
There was Dovey snoring like a horse
When I say it like that, it sounds kind of gay
But that’s all the proof I need from the source
That Christmas magic’s real and anything can happen
Especially to this fuckin’ weird dork
That the pinnacle of my winter season
Was hanging out with a bunch of assholes from New York
Santa Houlihan rode off into the night
Above the houses and the evergreen trees
Happy Holidays from all of us right back to all of yous
And don’t forget to take it eas’!

credits

released January 10, 2014
Christopher Casuga: vocals, rhythm and lead guitars, cardboard box, Mario rap, references you won't get if you don't listen to the show

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about

Fake Canadian Gilroy, California

The world needed another hyper-literate power-pop jawn fronted by a neurotic mess. Christopher Casuga is only happy to oblige.

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