As far back as I could remember, I knew what I wanted to be The most useless human on the face of the Earth Spare change in the couch to scale against my worth Admittedly, it takes a pretty dim view of one Definition of utility ‘Coz I know the city fathers cannot be arsed to bother With scant commercial opportunity We have to be meant for more than repeatedly taking it on the chin More than bemused adults ineptly chasing dreams we had as kids I’ve tried nothing, I’m all out of ideas, no end to this world of hell in sight But we gotta put our heads together if we’re gonna last the night Ensconced within a system that demands A piece of heart or a pound of flesh They say “Thank you for your efforts, here’s the fruit of your toil If you’re still alive to eat what’s left” The gifts we receive from preceding generations No optimism, only dread To be technically alive but passionately dead God forbid I want some roses coupled with my bread Practice never made perfect Me and the owners don’t see eye to eye I can’t get for the life of me the value placed Against the game for which I go out and die Don’t go chasing the market Is your only role to meet a demand? ‘Coz in the evergreen war of art versus commerce I know you know where I make my stand

Raindrops keep falling in the middle of the summer It’s a welcome break when the heat has me so blessed My knees are atrophied just like a lovesick sailor And everyone believes me when I say I did my best I could get my foot inside the door, but not much farther And you were on the bottom rung, completely at a pause I asked about it, suddenly, beggars could be choosers But I can save my sanity if I quit grasping straws Nothing’s more pathetic than a mouth for deaf ears Rehearsing boring speeches no one ever will hear I know you don’t care either way if I stay or leave But if you come around, save the last slam for me Tell me what you want me to hear, and I’ll believe it And if it helps us sleep at night, just do what it takes The weight of this consternation is just much too heavy I would be happy just to scrape it off my plate Closure was the prize at the top of the mountain I’dve killed myself for a dollop of that balm Never knew till now that I could look a bit more local I could make it for myself from my own two palms Cliche, but it bears repeating if you have doubt Sometimes you gotta get lost if you wanna be found In my life I have to reintroduce mystery If I return alive, save the last slam for me ‘Coz nothing’s more pathetic than a mouth for deaf ears Rehearsing boring speeches no one ever will hear I know you don’t care either way if I stay or leave But if you come around, save the last slam for me

An old account, corrected, don’t know what I expected This walk down memory lane became a mugging, jacked my train Brought me back from the fringes--hold those old column inches The bylines use my name, but I don’t rush to stake my claim Inhabit my old frame of mind What used to occupy my time Mirrors reflect in parallel Multiple branches of myself Can’t see the forest for the trees, these different infinities What you saw from the rails--recede your eyes, you draw the veil What was apparent became opaque--who am I to be the arbiter of fate? I could write a narrative that supports my hypothesis Crafting a reason from excuse To grasp my ties and cut me loose I can say with total certainty That man in my memories is not me Tell me, what does the future bring? The man who remembers everything Blessed are the amnesiacs So blissful the man who stared right back Don’t call it a callback, it’s so clear--the fault lines were already here Will you be the one who acts or falls right through the open cracks? I got a brand new mission to settle the contradictions At the end of the day I can absolve myself, yeah it’s okay

I wanna go back to that San Francisco house I need an encounter in the outside world to remind me what it’s all about I get so down, feeling suffocated in my hometown So maybe good old friends and the coastal air can set me back on solid ground We can bum around Japantown or stay in and shoot the shit all night Either way, it’s what I need to put my head back on right, and now I I wanna go back I wanna stay up till the fire dies down, and watch the sun rise The night was young, and you were holding court, but somehow, I caught your eye I played guitar, you sang along to every line Like we had known each other forever, I hadn’t felt like that in a long time In that harsh daylight, I could see you would not be the one for me I can’t hit the stuff that hard, but we’ll always have that night in the backyard, and I I wanna go back Let’s go! I wanna go back, but I don’t think that I can stay My obligations run through my head, but I’ll return again someday I don’t think I’m cut out to hustle like a supernova star If I ever drive its winding streets, I know I’m crashing my fucking car But if I’m ever feeling short, I know what lies two hours north A Clipper scan, a couch to crash, the day will come when I’ll be back I’m coming back I wanna go back

I do not miss the future, a false bill of goods But it got me in the door and that’s understood Everybody buys in, it’s the name of the game There’s no shame in partaking if everybody does the same I’m on the up-and-up now, but I know I got Nowhere to run, and less to hide I feel it creeping up now, and its siren song is deafening A high-pitched whine I got that new dance down, and all you gotta do Is shake and writhe rest of your life We all die in increments, what makes you think You are exempt from that same plight? The way that man treats moth, surprised he was so kind I heard the perfect thing ever and then I died I can’t see past my past now, it’s got me trapped in my bed The gif that keeps on giving is the loop playing in my head

A second could sustain you for days--as the clock nears zero, see how time inflates Expending whatever it takes in the struggle not to let it go to waste All the while, searching for a catch, a scab to poke at or an itch in search of a scratch The time was never meant to last--nothing will be left, you’re not coming back Go cross your name out with this pen, you’ll never lecture at the school of thought again You knew the stakes that you laid down--you know that loser leaves town A statue on the side of the road--devoid of context, no one can recall the code But we still pass along the tales in hushed whispers and misremembered details Do they keep your name around in your heads, in your hearts, rolled around in your mouths Or is every last toil and tear drowning in a flood that washed out the years Go cross your name out with this pen, you’ll never lecture at the school of thought again You knew the stakes that you laid down--you know that loser leaves town But I can still see trace amounts of things you freely gave before things went south Like when you called me out of the blue from the roof of your house I remember how you could work a crowd, a dead silence snapped into a chorus of shouts The greatest trick you never taught was knowing when to back out And I can still see trace amounts of things you freely gave before things went south Like when you called me out of the blue from the roof of your house So cross your name out with this pen, you’ll never lecture at the school of thought again You knew the stakes that you laid down--you know that loser leaves town